Vampires Are Terrible Ophthalmologists
by Yuvon Silon Rahvok
Summary: Eighteen year old Carl gets a new pair of glasses... hijinks ensue. WARNINGS: CONTAINS CRACK, OOC, AND CITRUSY PARTS!


Carl Clover wasn't really in the mood for shenanigans today, it was his eighteenth birthday and he was going to celebrate it in peace and quiet! Sighing contentedly as he took a seat in the Chinese restaurant of Orient Town, the young man set down his glasses to retrieve a cleaning cloth as they had been dirtied by the rainstorm outside in spite of his umbrella's valiant efforts.

"You know, it's actually quite nice to have a day to myself. I love Sis to death, but sometimes I just need time to relax and enjoy the simple things in life." Carl smiled brightly as a waitress came by and handed him a menu, causing him to momentarily forget about cleaning his eyewear as he thanked the woman for her consideration.

*Crack*

"Ouch! Princess, I think you dropped me on glass or something!" An exasperating voice wailed.

"Dear me, you should really learn to leave your belongings in a safe place. You never know when someone's incompetent minions will accidentally destroy them." The arrogant tone and the overwhelming stench of rose petals was unmistakable, Rachel Alucard had officially ruined his day. Well it was really Gii who had landed on his glasses, but who cares? Not the irate young man who was currently fuming in his seat, that's for sure.

"Miss Alucard! Those were my last remaining pair of glasses until my new order comes in next week! I demand that you do something to rectify my lack of visual aid at once!" Carl glared hard at the Lady of Roses, he was clearly going to inconvenience her if she didn't comply.

" _Who does this young fool think he's talking to? The ungrateful little urchin wouldn't be alive if it weren't for my help. Although… this is the perfect opportunity to entertain myself, the world has been unbearably dull as of late."_

Rachel's eyes narrowed to slits as her lips curled into a malevolent grin. With a flourish, she retrieved a familiar accessory from the folds of her dress. The Spectacles of Eros Mark II, the most potent emotional manipulation relic in the world. Carl was too slow to stop the vampire as she impaled his temples with the stems of the blasphemous artifact.

"Those should do quite nicely." Rachel's smug voice was drowned out by Carl's cry of pain.

"What did you do?!" Carl's eyes were watering from the agony the impalement had caused him.

"I did as you asked, you stupid little child. Now then, I have… errands to run, I'm afraid our little chat can wait until later." With that, the esteemed bunny leech warped back to her garden, where she would be safe from the Spectacle's influence (not to mention free to watch the show).

"Why that witch! Oh, I'll get her back for this…" Carl tried to remove the glasses, only to cause himself more pain with absolutely no progress being made. Sighing in defeat, the young man slumped into his chair… only to be greeted by the sight of a nightmare he thought he had left behind in the academy days.

"Hello Carl, would you please try this mousse? I worked super hard on it just for you!" Noel Vermillion stood before him, and in her hands was a plate that held the most disgusting thing he had ever had the displeasure to call "food". He thought that the days when he would have to live in fear of Noel's infamous cooking were over, apparently he was gravely mistaken.

"Miss Noel, what are you doing here? I mean, don't you have some work to do being the new Imperator and all?" Carl plastered a fake smile on his face, trying desperately to think of a way out of this without hurting Noel's feelings. He couldn't eat that monstrosity again, he needed to escape before she could stop him.

"Well, yes I do have a mountain of paperwork waiting for me back at the office, but what could possibly be more important than spending my day with the man I love?" Noel blushed bright red as she said that last part, looking at Carl with eyes full of hope, silently begging for his acceptance.

"WHAT?!" Carl was shell-shocked, he had no idea how Noel had managed to develop feelings for him. They had been friends in the academy, but she had never shown any real interest in him (and she had never been particularly good at hiding her emotions). This simply didn't make any logical sense.

"I-I don't understand… how could you possibly be in love with me of all people?" Carl stared in confusion as Noel's face fell, obviously disappointed with his response.

"I don't know… it's like I just… noticed you all of a sudden." Carl was now more perplexed than ever, how could she just "notice him" and immediately fall in love like that… Wait, it couldn't be… those glasses that the vampire had impaled his temples with… could they really be…

" _The Spectacles of Eros! I thought they were only a myth! It seems that witch has a lot more to answer for than I had originally thought… but wait, if I have the spectacles then that means…"_

Carl's face was twisted by horror as he felt the chilling revelation sink into his bones. If he had the Spectacles of Eros, then Miss Noel was only the beginning of an even bigger dilemma. As if the universe had decided to prove his point, a loud crash rang throughout the building as Ragna the Bloodedge crashed through the wall directly behind the young puppeteer.

"Hey Vigilante! There's something I gotta say!" Ragna's face had a barely noticeable line of dusty pink on the bridge of his nose, his determined heterochromatic eyes locking onto the younger man's blue orbs intensely.

"Ragna, what on earth are you doing here?" Noel looked like a lost puppy, it would have been cute, had she not been holding the most abominable crime against the culinary arts in history.

"I could ask you the same thing Stupid, what the fuck is that thing anyway?!" Ragna pointed rather harshly to Noel's "mousse" a look of disgust eradicating any sign of his previous blush.

"This "thing" is my beloved Carl's birthday gift, thank you very much!" Noel's eyes had narrowed in anger, she was obviously _very_ offended by the Grim Reaper's question.

"Your beloved?! When the hell did he start going out with you?! And you call THAT a birthday gift?! You trying to fuckin poison him or something?!" Ragna looked pissed, his eyes narrowed dangerously as he reached for Bloodscythe. Noel slammed down the plate holding her vile concoction in front of the poor blonde, brandishing Bolverk soon after as Ragna unsheathed Bloodscythe.

"I love Carl, and NO ONE is going to take him away from me!" Noel pointed her twin guns at Ragna's face as the Grim Reaper fully extended his weapon into sickle mode.

"Yeah, well that's too bad, cause I love him too!" Locking eyes, the two individuals charged at one another as Carl could only stare in dread, bracing himself for the impact.

"VALKERIE VEIL!"

"BLACK ONSLAUGHT!"

"ENOUGH YOU TWO!" A third voice, carrying an authoritative tone stopped the pair a few meagre seconds before they collided with one another. Tsubaki Yayoi now stood in the doorway, dressed in a yellow summer dress and frowning severely with Izayoi at the ready.

"Now, what's going on here?" The duo glared and pointed a finger at one another as they simultaneously made a declaration.

"He/She is trying to steal _MY_ Carl!" Tsking in disapproval, Tsubaki stared calmly at the two Azure wielders and leisurely strode towards the poor boy who had been trapped in the middle of their feud.

"I don't recall either of you owning Carl, so why don't we ask him who he belongs to?" Tsubaki beamed softly as she turned her eyes to the dazed vigilante, wordlessly inspiring him to speak up and defend himself. Clearing his throat to gain their attention, Carl looked both of them in the eye before throwing in his two cents.

"I don't belong to either of you, I'm sorry but I just don't feel the same way. Please understand, you're one of my best friends Miss Noel, and you're… not such a bad person Ragna the Bloodedge, but I don't love either of you in that way. Will you please stop this senseless violence?" Carl looked from one to the other, putting on his best "please don't be mad at me face" (AKA emergency adorable expression number 57). The two glanced at one another with guilt as they were shaken to the core by Carl's heart melting kawaii expression, before simultaneously sighing and nodding their assent. Breathing a sigh of relief, Carl prepared to explain the situation to the two… but fate (AKA me) had other, more sadistic plans for him…

"So Carl darling, what shall we order? I'm thinking the Kagutsuchi Pufferfish, how about you?" Unbeknownst to the trio, Tsubaki had taken advantage of their joint distraction and had occupied the chair across from Carl (along with safely disposing of her best friend's "dish").

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Ragna was once again enraged, and so was Noel whose own glare was underscored slightly with the feeling of betrayal.

"Tsubaki, how could you?!"

"Look Noel even though I love you to death, we both know that Carl needs a _real_ woman to guide him down the path of life. And who better than me to lower him into the waters of truest passion, it is my duty to safeguard the happiness of my love, even if that means going through you first." Tsubaki's gaze had hardened as she spoke, and she prepared to deal with the two if necessary.

"Who better, huh? Well, that would be me." The familiar voice of a certain grimalkin cut through the tension in the air, much to Carl's distress. Kokonoe sauntered up to the crowded blonde, leering hungrily as she gave a once over.

"Yep, you'll do just fine." She spoke with a purr, intimidating the younger male.

"F-fine for w-what, Professor?" Carl shrunk back in his seat as Kokonoe boxed him in with her arms by placing a hand on each corner of the chair's back. Leaning in close to the blonde the scientist smirked predatorily.

"For my little sex bomb of course." The boy's skin burst into flame at that remark, prompting the grimalkin to laugh maniacally.

"Makoto was right, you are adorable when you're nervous… I wonder what will happen when I sink my teeth into you." Before she could make her move however (and before the other three in the room could get involved again), a golden gauntlet smashed into Kokonoe's cheek, sending her crashing into the wall.

"Carl Clover, why the hell do I love you so much?!" Bullet had hoisted Carl up by the fabric of his shirt, and soon kissed the stunned man before he could protest.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOIN BUTT FLOSS?!"

"GET AWAY FROM CARL BUTT LADY!"

"DON'T YOU DARE LAY YOUR FILTHY LIPS ON MY DEAREST YOU HUSSY!"

Managing to come out of his stupor and rip himself away from the mercenary, Carl began to panic. This was all _way_ too much for him to handle. Slamming himself back into the nearest corner of the room, (to ensure that no one could sneak attack him from behind) the blonde began to desperately seek an escape route.

"What the hell's the big idea you stupid bitch?!" Kokonoe had bounced back, and was currently getting in Bullet's face.

"That's my line you filthy non-human!" Bullet returned Kokonoe's hostility in equal measure, unwilling to allow the grimalkin to get between her and the younger bounty hunter.

Before the two could come to blows however, a familiar scruffy ninja made his over the top entrance into the fray.

"Master Carl, there is something that I _must_ tell you! I BANG SHISHIGAMI HEREBY CONFESS MY DEEPEST LOVE FOR YOU! MY AFFECTION FOR YOU BURNS WITH MORE INTENSITY THAN A THOUSAND SUPER NOVAS! WILL YOU PLEASE GO OUT WITH ME?!" Bang's roar nearly deafened everyone in the room, and his confession nearly made Carl vomit all over the floor. Carl had grown to see the Ikarugan shinobi as a surrogate older brother, and was deeply sickened by the speech he had just given.

"I'm afraid that Carl will be going out with me Mister Bang, I'll give you _one_ chance to walk away before I unleash my wrath upon you for upsetting him." Litchi Faye-Ling stood poised with her staff at the ready. The confession of his surrogate older sister/mother served only to add to Carl's need to empty his stomach upon the nearest available surface.

"Hey! I was here first, so all of you can just fuck off! He's mine!" Ragna's irritated remark set off a large scale argument amongst the wannabe suitors.

"No, I was here first! Now Carl, enough fooling around. Please just try- WAIT A MINUTE! WHERE'S MY MOUSSE?!" Tsubaki shifted slightly, alerting the Vermillion to her guilt.

"TSUBAKI! HOW COULD YOU?!"

"I COULDN'T ALLOW YOUR HORRID DISH TO HARM MY BELOVED HUSBAND'S STOMACH!"

"YOUR HUSBAND?! WHEN DID YOU TWO GET ENGAGED?!" Kokonoe had now joined in the verbal catfight.

"WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN MEANT FOR EACH OTHER, YOU'RE ALL JUST JEALOUS OF THE PURITY OF MY DEVOTION!"

"SWORD LADY, I'M GONNA GIVE YOU TEN SECONDS TO TAKE BACK THAT WHOLE ENGAGMENT THING BEFORE I SHOW YOU WHY THEY CALL ME THE GRIM REAPER!"

"YOU WILL ALL STAY AWAY FROM MASTER CARL! ONLY A TRUE MAN OF LOVE AND JUSTICE IS WORTHY OF CHERISHING SUCH BEAUTY!"

"CARL IS MY PATIENT, NONE OF YOU IS GOING TO LAY A SINGLE HAND UPON HIM!"

" _Someone help me…"_ The young vigilante cowered in the corner, too afraid to try and stop the conflict (mostly due to the fact that everyone had their weapons ready, while he had gone civilian for the day. Which meant he had no way of defending himself should the infamous Jealousy effect rear its ugly head.)

 **POV Switch (Major Plot Twist Ahead {Flame Shields Raised to Maximum})**

Walking the peaceful streets of Orient Town, Jin Kisaragi was desperately searching for someone. You see, today was the day. He'd been waiting for years, since way back in the academy, but now he would finally be able to confess his love to his dearly beloved soulmate. He could only hope that fate was on his side…

Suddenly a huge series of rather violent sounds erupted from the local restaurant, startled and worried about what could be causing such commotion, the Major rushed to the establishment.

"WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON HERE?!" The sound of Jin Kisaragi's voice went unnoticed amongst the small sea of roaring people, save for the youth caught up in the middle of it all. Jin's eyes scanned the room swiftly, and he set his gaze upon the one person who didn't seem to be part of the commotion; Carl Clover. Taking in the crowd once more, he was shocked to see his brother and best friend caught in a vicious blade lock, it had been years since they had fought so why were they doing so now? He also spotted Vermillion, the grimalkin, and that mercenary girl caught in a three way catfight… what on earth could make that happen? But the most shocking of all… was seeing Bang Shishigami actively trying to harm his beloved Miss Litchi. This was utter madness, the Power of Order began to practically scream in rage in the back of his mind, his gut instinct to eradicate chaos nearly seizing control of him… until he remembered what he had come for. No matter what, he could not allow this opportunity to go to waste. With his lips set in a grim line, he drew Yukianasa from its sheathe and slammed the frozen blade into the ground.

"ARTIC DUNGEON!" Using a hefty amount of power Jin had frozen all of the room's occupants, save for young Carl. Smiling gratefully, Carl forgot himself and the artifact he now possessed as he embraced his rescuer.

"Jin! Oh thank goodness, I thought it was all over!" Carl felt concerned when he felt the older man stiffen upon contact, and the lack of immediate response from the normally quick witted Major made him very uneasy.

"...Jin?" Carl looked up, but Jin's face was incredibly guarded, making him practically unreadable.

"Carl… why do you have those?" Jin gestured to the Spectacles of Eros, which he recognized from the old legends that had been told in the wake of the Dark War. Quickly realizing that Jin must think he was using the Spectacles intentionally, Carl hastily related the incident with Rachel to the Hero. Nodding in understanding, Jin looked like he was about to say something…

*Insert loud crackling*

"The effects of my attack are wearing off…" Jin quickly conjured his infamous Ice Car, "Carl, get on. We don't have much time. You need to come with me so we can get rid of those damn glasses."

"Got it" Hopping on quickly and fastening his arms around his friend's waist, the boy prepared himself for a fast getaway as the ice holding back his admirers began to shatter, "Allons-y!"

Flying swiftly over the buildings of Orient Town, Carl pressed himself closer to his friend, practically glued to his backside. Jin's face twitched at this, but remained focused in order to maintain his construct.

Once they were in the safety of Jin's abode, the Major immediately rectified the issue of the Spectacles.

"RABBIT!"

"How dare you address me by that insufferable nickname, Mr. Hero?" Rachel glared daggers at the man, but he remained strong in his posture.

"The Spectacles. Remove them." Jin's eyes were narrowed, and though the rest of his face was stoic, those orbs glowed with the fury of a vengeful god.

"Is that what this is about? The child only needed to ask if he wanted them gone." Rachel smirked as Jin held up a hand, halting Carl's attempt at protesting. Swiftly removing the glasses, the Lady of Roses instantly teleported back to whence she came, leaving the two men in the silence of Jin's apartment.

"…Carl, there's something that I've waited a long time to tell you." Jin's voice was still firm, but seemed a tad more… vulnerable? Cautiously eying his former classmate, Carl prepared for the worst.

"What is it Major?" Carl was embarrassed by his earlier abandonment of his formal speech, but to be fair he was in a very stressful place at the time. However, he noticed that when he addressed Jin as "Major" the older man's seemed to flinch, which caused him even more concern.

With his back still turned, Jin spoke with a slightly hurt tone, "Carl, please don't address me so formally. I consider myself to be only Jin when I'm among friends." Turning to face the junior blonde, the senior took a deep breath and locked eyes with the youth.

"I love you Carl Clover." Jin held up his hand again when the teen opened his mouth, silencing him instantly, "This isn't an effect of the Spectacles, I assure you. I've loved you since the academy, but I waited until you were of age to confess my feelings. Now I ask, will you be mine?"

Carl was speechless, he'd heard a lot of confessions today, but this one hit him the hardest. He found himself drowning in Jin's emerald depths as the older man closed the distance between them. With his hand, Jin slowly tilted Carl's face upwards using his grip on the teen's chin. Closing his eyes and leaning downward slightly, Jin captured the Clover's lips in a chaste kiss, pulling back when he felt no response. Taking in the blonde's flushed face, Jin anxiously awaited what was surely going to be rejection.

"Yes." Jin's eyes widened in shock, could it really be…

"What did you say?" Carl grinned happily as tears began to prickle at the corners of his eyes.

"Yes. A thousand times, yes. I'll be yours."

Jin couldn't stop himself as he felt his heart sing with joy, he pulled Carl into a deep kiss as he wrapped his arms around the younger man's waist. Carl fisted his hands in the material of Jin's top as he felt the older man's tongue begging for permission to pass his virgin lips, and he opened his mouth to his newfound lover. Mewling as Jin's tongue dominated his own, Carl pulled back for air. His cheeks were heavily flushed, his pupils dilated, and a thin strand of saliva connected his lips to the Hero's. Jin's hands shifted lower, firmly gripping the younger's cheeks and pulling him even closer for another round of tonsil hockey. Moaning in bliss, Carl broke away after a few minutes, slowly undoing the fastenings on Jin's top. Having successfully bared the older man's torso, Carl took a moment to drink in the chiseled physique, a hint of drool forming at the corner of his lips. With a bashful smirk, Carl began to nip and suck at Jin's collar bone, his smile growing as the elder blonde groaned in pleasure. Moving downwards to pull one of his nipples between his teeth, again nipping and sucking as he did so, Carl was rewarded with a firm smack followed by a possessive groping of his ass. Letting out a husky moan Carl grinned wolfishly as he slowly descended, nipping and sucking on Jin's abs before swirling his tongue inside his (Jin's) belly button (this earned him another groan, along with the evidence of Jin's arousal becoming nearly impossible to ignore). Slowly dragging his tongue across the waistband of Jin's tights, Carl cupped his arousal and once his tongue had completed its journey, released his "icicle" from the confines of his clothing. The slit was already weeping and Carl lapped up the pre like a kitten laps up milk, and then whilst staring into Jin's emerald pools with half-lidded baby blues made hazy by lust, the younger blonde engulfed his elder and began…

 **BRIIIIIIING BRIIIIIIIIING BBBRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG**

" _Nooooo! Curse you alarm clock! It was just getting to the good part!"_

With a loud growl Makoto Nanaya smashed down the "snooze" button on her alarm clock, effectively silencing the evil piece of technology. Sighing dejectedly as her naughty bits began to lose their tingly feelings, she slipped into her silk bathrobe (orange with black trim and tie) and brought her hand to her mouth in a very unladylike yawn.

*Ding Dong*

" _Who the hell would be here at… seven in the morning, wait… on a fucking Saturday?! Oh, this had better be good! With the wonderful dream that I just had interrupted, I'm not in the mood to deal with any sort of bull shit…"_

Sighing in irritation, the beast kin slowly shambled to the sitting room and answered the door.

"Good morning Miss Makoto! Did you sleep well?" Carl smiled cheerfully as he beheld the older woman (who he had quite the crush on), obviously very excited to have caught her awake.

"…" Makoto silently took him in from head to toe, he was wearing white tennis shoes with purple knee high socks, complimented with a tight-fitting white tee-shirt and finished off with purple bike shorts that cupped him snugly, practically clinging to him like a second skin.

" _Mmmmnmmm, yeah… mommy likes… *insert mental labia caressing*"_

"So Carl, what are you doing here?" Makoto was very curious, Carl lived on the other side of town, what could he possibly be doing here this early?

"Well, Miss Tsubaki told me that you enjoyed jogging in the morning, so I decided to join you today. That's not a problem is it?" He still managed to look adorable when he was nervous, even in his early twenties… that was so unfair. How could she possibly resist the opportunity? Simple answer, she couldn't.

" _Thank you Tsubaki! I gotta remember to get her and Jin some "toys" after I'm done with Little Carl."_

"No, that wouldn't be a problem at all, why don't you come inside so I can get dressed and then we can jog till our hearts give out?" Makoto grinned wolfishly on the inside, and smiled friendlily on the outside as Carl passed by her and into her modest house.

"That sounds good, where should I wait?" Carl looked very comfortable in her home, which was good… he was gonna be here for a while.

"Oh, just sit on the couch, I'll be ready in just a little bit!" Makoto called from the doorway of her bedroom on the second floor, her expression morphing into a deviant leer afterwards.

" _I'll be ready alright, but you'd better prepare for the workout of a lifetime Carly!"_

Untying and allowing her robe to pool at her feet, Makoto began to go over her plans for the oblivious youth.

" _So how do I wanna start? A blowjob? Nah, too cliché. Maybe just cut to the good stuff? No, he'd probably be traumatized. A surprise nude make out session? Perfect!"_

With her leer still firmly in place, Makoto pulled her loose fitting orange shirt over her head, baring her supple breasts to the world in all their nipple-hardened glory. Then she peeled off her own pair of bike shorts which were dampened at the crotch (from the dream) and revealed her glistening blossom to the walls of her room (which I have installed hidden cameras in for your enjoyment… shit the batteries are dead!). With her tail wagging happily at the thought of finally getting her hands on that juicy derriere, Makoto employed her renowned stealth to creep into the sitting room. There she saw Carl standing in front of the mantle to her fire place, gazing at a picture of her family. With his back facing her Carl was unaware of Makoto's expression softening slightly at the touching scene, but he _did_ feel a chill run down his spine when she began eyeballing his ass (the shorts had ridden up when he sat on the couch, causing him minor discomfort but ultimately being ignored in favor of looking about the place).

Slipping up to the blonde's back quietly, Makoto wrapped her arms around his chest in an iron clad grip, causing her endowments to be pressed firmly into his back (BTW, Carl's about 5'7).

"So Carl ̴, ready for some early morning exercise?" Makoto purred into his ear as her nose brushed against his cheek.

" _It's gonna be a loooooooooong morning…"_ The blonde thought as he was spun and around and practically had his tongue sucked out by Makoto's hungry kiss (as well as finding his rear would probably have scratches on it from Makoto's fingers digging in like a lion an a gazelle).

 **AN:** Say hello to my newest try at comedy! *crickets chirp* Well, I tried… Anyway! Thank you to all of those who have given me feedback, special thanks to UtopicSlasher95 for his review; Kicklash and DragonAlex5533 for their favs and follows; Taromaru for his advice and review (how did you guess the ending?!); NoOneImportantHere for his advice (I hope you didn't mind me borrowing the line from that PM); l3largus for his follow and review; King of Aura for his review (I believe he controls puppets with a mechanism in his top hat and/or glasses, but I'm not sure); the "normal" Guest (which kid wanted me to be his friend?); Peacekeeper for that helpful review (I'll be taking your advice into consideration); and to the amateur troll on a Knight and his Squire (I miss Exterminator too, he was _so_ much better at trolling than you XD). Hope this wasn't _that_ bad, R &R please!


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